Reflections on 2009

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year and how things have changed since January 1st, 2009.  I spent last New Years Day suffering through my miscarriage and mourning over the child that we lost.  Along with December 30th, 2008 when we went to the doctor and he couldn’t find a heartbeat, New Years Day was one of the 2 worst days of my life.  Every year, I always look forward to Christmas and the holiday season, but this year, I was ready for it to be over before it started.  I wanted to get the 1-year anniversary of the miscarriage behind me.  On December 30th and January 1st, I felt our baby kick and prayed that it wouldn’t be the last time.  For some reason, I worried that those days would jinx this baby I’m carrying and lead me to the same fate as last year.  By keeping myself busy and relying on God, we made it through those days and our baby is stronger and more active than ever.  Another reason the holidays were hard for me was because this year, we were supposed to already have a baby to celebrate Christmas with.  It was hard to be pregnant for the 2nd Christmas in a row.  It was hard getting presents for “Baby Meads” for the 2nd year in a row.  But, while I still worry more than most pregnant women at this stage, I have faith that I will be holding our baby in February.  I believe that God will bless me with a child to hold next Christmas morning (well, by that time, I probably won’t be holding her.. I’ll be chasing her down and keeping her from getting ornaments off the bottom of the tree!). 

Yes, 2009 was a hard year filled with tears, grief, uncertainty, and worry.  On June 15th when I took that pregnancy test, I never thought it would be positive.  I had gotten LOTS of negative results in the 5 months prior to that.  I had lost hope.  When I saw the word “pregnant” pop up on the stick (it was digital), I screamed and cried.  I cried tears of happiness, but I also cried tears of fear and dread.  My first thought was “I can’t suffer through another miscarriage.  I don’t know if I’ll survive another one.”  Going through that experience taints your future pregnancy experiences, and it’s really a shame.  On July 8th, 2009, Richie and I sat next to each other in the OB waiting room to have an ultrasound to see if there would be a heartbeat.  All we could think about was the last time we sat here together and the awful outcome that followed.  Of course, there was a beautiful tiny blob on the screen with a perfect heart beating away.  Then, on July 17th, we were sitting in the same waiting room because I had suffered some bleeding while I was at work that day.  I had braced myself for the worst news.  Once again, we saw a little gummy bear with the most beautiful flickering heart on the screen.  We didn’t even tell a lot of people our wonderful news until I was well into my 2nd trimester.  Richie announced it to his co-workers the same time he also told them it was a girl at almost 19 weeks.  Yes, last year was filled with worry, pain, and anxiety.  But, 2010 will be different.  It will be a happy year filled with new and exciting experiences.  I know that a lot of people have a much longer and more difficult road than I have had, and I truly know how blessed I am.  This has all happened for a reason, and I love my daughter even more because of it. 

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and prayed for this baby.  I have been overwhelmed at the love that family and friends have shown to us.

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